The Quiet Habits We Build to Cope and How to Gently Let Them Go

Let me ask you something honestly.

At the end of a hard day, what do you reach for?

A glass of wine. A cigarette out the back door. A joint to finally switch the brain off. A scroll through your phone until you are too tired to think. Whatever it is, I want you to know something before we go any further:

This is not about weakness. This is about your brain doing exactly what it was designed to do.

Why We Reach for a Crutch in the First Place

When life is stressful, the brain goes looking for relief. Fast, reliable, effective relief. And substances like alcohol, nicotine and cannabis all offer exactly that, at least in the moment.

The brain registers the relief. It logs it. And then it starts to remember it. Before long, what began as an occasional choice quietly becomes a habit. Then a need. Then something that feels very difficult to imagine life without.

Research consistently shows that chronic stress is one of the strongest predictors of addictive behaviour, not just in developing it but in making it far harder to break (Sinha, 2008). Stress literally rewires the brain's reward circuitry, increasing its sensitivity to anything that brings fast relief while reducing our capacity for impulse control (Koob & Volkow, 2016).

So no, this is not a character flaw. It is neuroscience.

But Here is the Bit Nobody Tells You

The things we reach for to manage stress? They are often making the stress worse.

Take alcohol. Most people genuinely believe it helps them sleep. And in the short term, it can feel that way. But research tells a very different story. Even low doses of alcohol disrupt REM sleep, the deep, restorative stage where the brain processes emotion and recovers from the day. In fact, every 1g per kg increase in alcohol dose reduces REM sleep duration by more than 40 minutes (Gardiner et al., 2024).

So you wake up depleted. Cortisol is elevated. Anxiety feels sharper. Your capacity to handle pressure is already reduced before the day has even started. And the pull towards relief comes sooner than it did yesterday.

Smoking tells a similar story. Nicotine creates a cycle of tension and temporary relief that masquerades as calm. Research has shown it is frequently used as a coping mechanism in high-pressure environments, helping people to feel like they are managing stress and fatigue, when in reality the addiction itself is generating much of the tension it appears to ease (Jiang et al., 2018).

Cannabis is increasingly common too, often presented as the natural, harmless alternative. But the research challenges that assumption. Chronic cannabis use has been found to dysregulate the very stress response systems it is meant to calm, making the nervous system less equipped over time to manage stress on its own (al'Absi & Allen, 2021).

Different substances. The same trap. Short-term relief that quietly creates longer-term dependence.

So Why Is Willpower Not the Answer?

Because the brain under chronic stress is not making free choices. It is responding to deeply ingrained neurological patterns that developed, gradually and understandably, as a way of coping.

Telling someone in this position to simply try harder or just stop is a bit like telling someone with a broken leg to walk it off. The intention is there. The capacity is not.

What actually works is addressing the nervous system directly. Helping the brain find new ways to regulate itself, so that the pull towards the crutch gradually loosens. Not through force. Through genuine change at a neurological level. Evidence-based approaches that combine psychological techniques with hypnotherapy have a strong foundation in the research for supporting exactly this kind of lasting shift (Alladin, 2016).

What That Change Actually Feels Like

Clients often describe something that surprises them. They do not just stop the habit. The want for it simply becomes quieter. Sleep improves. Mornings feel different. The pressure of the day feels more manageable without needing to discharge it at the end of it.

That is not willpower. That is a genuinely different nervous system.

A Final Thought

If you recognise yourself anywhere in this, please do not feel ashamed. You found something that helped you cope, and for a while it probably did. The question now is simply whether you are ready to find something better.

I work with people on exactly this at Mindful Clinic, in person in Corsham and online across the world. If you would like to explore whether this approach might work for you, I offer a free 15-minute discovery call. No pressure, no obligation. Just a conversation.

You deserve to feel better without needing something outside yourself to get there.

Warm wishes

Sharon x

References

al'Absi, M., & Allen, A. M. (2021). Impact of acute and chronic cannabis use on stress response regulation: Challenging the belief that cannabis is an effective method for coping. Frontiers in Psychology, 12, 687106. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2021.687106

Alladin, A. (2016). Integrative CBT for anxiety disorders: An evidence-based approach to enhancing cognitive behavioural therapy with mindfulness and hypnotherapy. Chichester, UK: Wiley Blackwell.

Gardiner, C., Weakley, J., Burke, L. M., Roach, G. D., Sargent, C., Maniar, N., Huynh, M., Miller, D. J., Townshend, A., & Halson, S. L. (2024). The effect of alcohol on subsequent sleep in healthy adults: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Sleep Medicine Reviews, 80, 102030. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.smrv.2024.102030

Jiang, H., Li, S., & Yang, J. (2018). Work stress and depressive symptoms in fishermen with a smoking habit: A mediator role of nicotine dependence and possible moderator role of expressive suppression and cognitive reappraisal. Frontiers in Psychology, 9, 386. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2018.00386

Koob, G. F., & Volkow, N. D. (2016). Neurobiology of addiction: A neurocircuitry analysis. Lancet Psychiatry, 3(8), 760-773. https://doi.org/10.1016/S2215-0366(16)00104-8

Sinha, R. (2008). Chronic stress, drug use, and vulnerability to addiction. Annals of the New York Academy of Sciences, 1141, 105-130. https://doi.org/10.1196/annals.1441.030